Stop keeping people at arm’s length. There’s no need to keep doing it once you’ve choked the life out of them.
Attention women in Nashville (and wherever this message might need to go): I’m going to need for you to please reevaluate your wardrobes immediately and discard all leggings. Though I understand that the recent fad compels you to wear a pair in every color, tucked into a cute pair of Uggs, or whatever Viking warrior boot you choose to finish your ensemble with, I’m going to need for you to either wear a top that also covers your hind-quarters or remember not to bend over in public, thus exposing your outlined flapjacks to the world. Thanks ever so.